Nethra Nallari

In brief, fleeting encounters with the internet, I have come to meet a strange species of therapist, the one who speaks as though they do know, precisely what it means to be a therapist. Often their expression begins with “as a therapist”, and then a series of observations continue.

I cannot claim to have experienced all of the internet, it is of course a particular subset, perhaps specific to a subcontinent I write from. I do not write with a sense of condescension and neither do I write from a place of knowing. I write this essay simply to understand what it means to write “as a therapist”.

Our work treads much ambivalence and uncertainty, and I hold that central as I write too. I wonder perhaps if the writer believes that title “as a therapist” would bring some credibility to the observations made.

I write to those readers and viewers who may believe that this title to be important. There is no therapist in the absence of a patient. By this I mean, a person becomes a therapist only in relationship with a patient. And remains a therapist only in the hour they are with the patient.

It is the patient’s presence, communication, expression that allows the person to practise psychotherapy. And in their absence, there remains only a person who has read theory, acquired knowledge, trained in a system, and continually attempts to understand oneself.

Now this person has for their own reasons (and struggles) chosen to undertake this journey of training to be a therapist. And as far as I might take this, study, training and personal analysis can be challenging, deeply transformative and fulfilling for the person. But for this person to practise, they are in need of another person. The patient, who for the hour, chooses to give the therapist the privilege of sharing their life with them.

When the hour ends, the therapist carries on as a person who has felt, experienced, remembered what is to be with another person, who is the patient. And as the patient leaves, they are people who return to their lives, hopefully carrying something from their experience of the hour with the therapist. Outside the room, they are both, simply people. It is in relationship that they become to each other, for the purpose of their work, therapist and patient.

Outside the hour, both therapist and patient are stripped of these titles. I wonder how that might feel, and I suppose that could be linked to how each of us feels holding these roles. When I choose to write “as a therapist” or perhaps “as a patient”, what am I beginning to elaborate on? How does this title leave me feeling outside the hour? And what really is the function of writing outside the hour? If all that is said in the hour a communication to be understood, what are we trying to communicate as we write about the experience of the hour, and to whom?

It is in the hour that I have the privilege and opportunity of relating, both as therapist and patient. I wonder then about the writing of experiences that take place here, between the therapist and patient. Is the writing a reliving, a reclaiming, a rewriting of what has transpired in the relationship? Does the writing allow me to feel like I know what it is I have experienced? Is writing a medium to consolidate my learning from experience? What is it that happens as I write on my own about a relationship between therapist and patient, from the memory of the hour?

Even as I write on this website, I can see how my memories and experiences are sifted through to become feelings and thoughts, to find their way to the screen. I write to learn of what I think, of and attempt to share this thinking in a coherent way. Perhaps to inspire, maybe to invite, possibly to learn, for myself and for the reader, alike. Whatever it might be, I am certain that there is some self interest and respect I feel towards the creations of my own mind. I try to write as a person who happens to be a therapist and patient.

In my writing, I have to step outside and look inside. There is almost a necessary dissociation from experience as it is. It can become altogether a new experience as I remember and relive what I am to write about in my mind. I wonder perhaps then if we are writing as we experience. An inner commentary of life as it is lived out, framed for the audience of the internet or the mental audience in the theater of our lives. I can see potential dangers in this inner commentary, but I see that perhaps it can be an important companion too.

I have digressed from my line of thought, I suppose I am attempting to express that all writing can only be a semblance of experience. And that a person who writes, writes from memory, fantasy, desire and we know not where one begins and ends. So, for those of us therapists who happen to write, may we write with this knowledge that we simply do not know where this endeavour of therapy will take us and that must be careful to not be certain in our descriptions of any experience.

We are to continually learn from our patients, whom we are in collaboration with, simply because they are the only ones who know something. As we write, if we are not careful, we endanger the possibility of being open to learning. Our writing may close in on us, our learning may seem to have reached its end. And that would be the death of our work.

In writing outside the hour, we are without the patient. And without the patient, we are only people with forming sense of self, our life’s experiences, a certain training and education, and perhaps capacities, skills that continue to be honed.

We will still attempt to write, for this writing produces a body of knowledge that is immensely valuable. Valuable to whom, I wonder, perhaps to people who are curious about the ways in which humans relate to one another. However in writing, I hope we can remember to regard all that we write about as a fraction of experience and learning, and as merely that.

And as for us who are patients, I will continue to wonder about the many feelings we carry (or none, perhaps) in knowing that our therapists are people outside of the room, just as we are people outside being patients. It is hoped that all communications can brought to life between the two that attempt to understand each other, the witness and the witnessed, for it may be therapist and patient who occupy these positions interchangeably, afterall.